Drinking with Co-Workers

 

If you go out for happy hour, don’t get smashed. 
After puking on your subordinates, it’s very hard to rally them behind a new project. If you’re a regular stiff, your boss isn’t going to think very much of you if you’ve pissed yourself at a bar. You can kiss off that promotion.

 How do you think this guy’s career is going now?

 

Self-referencing Bullshit Nature of Web

As if to confirm my friend Brenda's theory about the self-referencing bullshit nature of the internet, I noticed that a blog post of mine had 18 views from a blog page that tells bloggers how to make money from blogging. I followed it and it told me how to make money for a small entry fee and then a $30 a month payment thereafter. So we can add blogging advice to porn and gambling as internet money makers...

 

Clean Your Clothes!

You really can’t get away with wearing the same shirts, blouses, socks or underwear twice. Maybe you can get away with wearing the same suit or skirt a couple of times but don’t push it. Wrinkly Stinky has a desk in the corner for a reason.

 

Polish, shine your shoes. People, especially highly competitive colleagues who are planning to screw you, don’t want to look at your face. They’ll see the shoes. So think of your shoes as a face, or a hand with fingers.  That way, you can also flip them the bird with your shoes. Longest toe up, jerk wads!

Brenda Blames the Internet

So, I went to the rehab to visit my friend, who I’ll call Brenda. She used to be a star reporter but a year ago she was forcibly retired. Some dip shit at the Chicago Tribune decided to terminate her story line and wham, Brenda was out of work. She blames the Internet.

Stubbing out a cigarette in her tapioca, she just started ranting at me in the day room. (I’ve edited her a little bit because her favorite words all begin with the letter “F.”)

 

“The Internet is a self-referencing, circle jerk, echo chamber. You don’t ever have to read anything that you may disagree with or which doesn’t reinforce your dumb-assed parochial views. It’s like one of those housing developments where everybody makes the same money, drives the same shitty SUV, lives in the same cardboard house, sends their kids to the same schools. It’s a bullshit generator and it’s robbed the newspaper industry of its business model. Of course, the morons who owned newspapers are responsible. Whomever thought it was a good idea to give it away for free never had a momma who warned him about being a total slut.

Now, people are so over loaded with bullshit, they voluntarily watch that dancing nerd video. I just want to choke that Gangnam asshole but I know he’ll be replaced by a talking squirrel.”

You mean they don't talk?

The Smell Will Tell

Take a damn shower in the morning, with soap. Okay? If you can’t do that, you can’t get a job. If you sweat profusely, keep deodorant with you and use it. If your job is making you so nervous that you’re sweating profusely, look for another job or pre-pay your funeral expenses. Life is worth more than money.

Unfortunately, Appearances Matter

 

Don’t ever wear sweat pants. Never. Work is not the same as sitting on the couch at home with ho-hos and a clicker or watching porn on your computer. It’s work.

The photos below show the difference between what you think you look like and what co-workers see when you wear sweat pants to work:

Guess which one is you in sweat pants?

If your workplace is casual, buy some nice casual clothes which are not sweat pants. If yours is a highly competitive office, you know what you have to do. Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.

No sweat shirts either. No one cares if you’re with stupid.

Welcome!

Work is a place where all kinds of people are thrown together to perform a common task. These are not necessarily people you’d hang out with which explains why there are so many assholes on the job.  Starting with career basics, first impressions, fashion and manners, we’ll then move up to how to be a successful workin' bitch as in Being In Total Control of Herself!